The Prayvaganza

The Prayvaganza is a huge ceremony where women and girls as young as 14 become married.

Falling in love is not permitted anymore...

These marriages are arranged, the commander says they work out even better than falling in love. I still don't see how, considering before we chose who we loved, and we were happy to fulfill a life with that person. Now it is more like we are being sold into a one way relationship where we are used for our fertility.

Sometimes these ceremonies also involve catholic nuns converting, but if they get caught, they will get tortured. The older nuns they send directly to the colonies, but the younger ones can choose between going to the colonies or becoming a handmaid, and the majority choose the colonies.

During the ceremony Ofglen and I attempted to talk as much as possible. She knows I see the commander privately, and tells me I am not the only one. She was encouraging me to find out as much as possible.... Now lets just see how much I really can find out.

The Illegal

I find it kind of odd how the commander chose me. I still ask myself why he picked me. Is it because I come off as more intellectual, or have more potential?

We don't commit sexual acts unless you count a kiss goodbye whenever I leave.

I told him how us women use butter to moisturize our face in fear of becoming dry and older looking, in the possibility we may get out one day. I asked for some hand lotion and he actually gave me some which was when I feel I realized this may give me opportunities.

We will play scrabble, and he will let me choose what I want to read that night, whether it is a book or magazine. I also allow myself to ask questions every once in a while to try to get as much information without sounding so suspicious.

These possibilities are open to me now, and I don't know what to think but I guess only time can tell....

Birth Day

Today I heard the glorious sound of sirens. All of the women hurried to the window in hopes it was red, which it was. Today we got to leave, and talk and touch. We piled in to goon our way to The Center. I was excited to be out of that place. When we got there it was more grand then our home, and the women were so loud and obnoxious! They were getting all ready in preparation for Janine to give birth. We all sat on the rug cross legged and would chant "Breathe, breathe. Hold, hold. Expel, expel, expel." We continue to support her as one, until she has given birth, which then The Wife named her Angela. These Birth Days are long, you sit in a dark room awake the entire time chanting, stuck with smells, muggy hot air, and it isn't the most pleasant environment. A whole day has gone by and its light again by the time we leave, and I am exhausted. 

The Ceremony

It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes during these serious situations. I'm not quite sure why it's so hard, maybe because the Serena thinks she is being discrete while she is crying when it's obvious to everyone that she is. She thinks she comes off so strong but really we all know shes breaking down. Later on after The Commander was done f***ing me, as he nodded and walked out his demeanor was some way amusing to me. He looked at us as if we were his dying mother, and to me this was over dramatic and amusing. It helps to sometimes have amusing thoughts in my head to get me through, but then I remember who I am, and where I am... and that is not amusing.

The Walk

Today I went on a walk with my partner, Ofglen. I wish she wouldn't talk so much, I really enjoy this time for myself, but I guess it's how I can get more information so it's not the end of the world to talk for once. I also saw this very cute Guardian today. In the quick glance, he looked me in the eyes and blushed. I wish we could pursue these things because I am so curious as to what he thinks of me. Somethings I'll never know, I sometimes wish I was back in my own world again, but that will not happen....