The End, or The Beginning?

Ofglen committed suicide.. is it wrong to be relieved? I have this selfish feeling of a weight lifted because my name will not come out of her mouth now. I feel safer now that there is a lesser chance of being caught by the Eyes. This gives me the chance to do anything needed to live. I no longer feel  I need control over my body, I've stopped resisting, I've even stopped seeing Nick.

Serena yelled at me on the porch asking how I could be so vulgar, and that I was a slut just like the other Handmaid's, that I will come to the same end as them. This upset Nick, he completely stopped whistling but I didn't dare look at him. I stayed calm and just went to my room as if it did not mean anything.

Night crept on and I sat in my room  wondering what would happen. I considered starting a fire with that match, I could die of smoke inhalation. Maybe I could hang myself in the closet by the hooks, or I could just wait for Serena to come up and possibly kill me. These thoughts come to a stop when I hear the van.

Nick opens my door... How could he do this to me? Tell the eyes about me, for his own personal gain of power? How selfish...  I hear him tell me they are from May Day and that they are here to save me. I contemplated whether or not I should believe him but this is my last chance. As I walk out the Commander and Serena question these men, and demand for proof. He looks distressed,  the commander, like he is losing his last shot at normality. I was his outlet for those feelings and thoughts. I didn't feel the slightest bit bad though.

I walked down the stairs, into the darkness of the back of the van wondering...

Is this the end or the  new beginning?

The Violent Day

3 women have been hung, 2 Handmaid's and 1 Wife. We do not know what for but I think one of the Handmaids must've attempted to kill her commanders Wife. The hardest part is having to hold the rope while they hung, to show our consent to the salvaging. Why being a witness and being present isn't enough I'm not sure, just another way to show what little power we have.

Next a Guardian was put before and was convicted  for rape, he was shot already but he was given to the handmaids. They take part in  something called a Particicution. The handmaid that fell victim was pregnant and lost the baby due to the crime. I was astonished when I saw Ofglen sprint towards him and brutally kick his head multiple times. I immediately asked her why she would participate so strongly if she felt the way I felt. Apparently he was apart of the underground rebellion group and wanted to put him out of his misery quicker.

These violent acts prove how strong our laws and consequences are. They keep us in line, not only would we be tortured but humiliated in front of others for what we did. No one would want to go through that. I felt I had power, but I don't I barely have anything... love? Love doesn't give me any physical power to fight, it's just emotional strength to keep me feeling as a human as possible....

Natural Love

After the night at the club and with the commander, Serena set up a meeting for me with Nick. This made me in some sorts anxious, because I have had odd feelings around him before, suggesting that there may be more there.

There is a big difference between this interaction and the one with the commander. This one was with my free will, my choice. I felt passion, love, lust, and it was just as I remember it being. I began to think of Luke and if he would be upset.Would I still feel this way if  Luke was dead?

Nick and I continue our relationship and this is the first time I have felt like myself in so long. I told him about myself, not Offred but my real self, my real name, the real me. I am regaining the slightest bit of freedom back in my life and this makes it a little bit easier to live each day.

The Night

I went to visit the commander tonight and he seems to be drunk with the way he is slurring his words, and flirtatiously talking to me. He told me he wanted to take me out, and I said okay. I think he was attempting to come off enticing before he asked me, as a way to convince me. It worked...

I put on cheap, skimpy clothes and drug store quality makeup. We head out the door, and my thoughts raced through my mind. Where are we going? What are we doing? Will I have fun? Nick drives and I wonder if he is judging me. We stop in a dark alley, and arrive at a club. As I walk  towards this forbidden place, I see Moira. At first glance I act as if I don't see her, until she gave me the old signal to meet her in the washroom. I found out that when she ran off she got caught right before she made it out. To be that close to freedom, and get caught I couldn't imagine the feeling. Instead of going to the colonies, she became a prostitute. In some ways this surprises me considering it isn't fully rebelling but an alternative form of hiding. I also am not surprised because she has always been a wild card.

Later the commander and I went to a  hotel room. I asked to use the bathroom, and when I came back out he seemed disappointed laying there bare skinned as if he expected more desirable actions coming from me. In this moment I told myself in my head, "fake it till you make it."

I feel as though I should have been more excited to have sex with him in a traditional setting, without Serena there, just me and him, but I wasn't. It wasn't  the same as I remember with Nick. It was easy to enjoy it, I was in love with him. That's the difference. The commander is wrong, I was "arranged" with him, we may not be married, but I was still assigned with him, yet our "relationship" when given the opportunity to grow, did not go as he intended. Isn't that proof?

You can't learn to love someone... That is one thing the Gilead will never be able to change, in anyone.