I went to visit the commander tonight and he seems to be drunk with the way he is slurring his words, and flirtatiously talking to me. He told me he wanted to take me out, and I said okay. I think he was attempting to come off enticing before he asked me, as a way to convince me. It worked...
I put on cheap, skimpy clothes and drug store quality makeup. We head out the door, and my thoughts raced through my mind. Where are we going? What are we doing? Will I have fun? Nick drives and I wonder if he is judging me. We stop in a dark alley, and arrive at a club. As I walk towards this forbidden place, I see Moira. At first glance I act as if I don't see her, until she gave me the old signal to meet her in the washroom. I found out that when she ran off she got caught right before she made it out. To be that close to freedom, and get caught I couldn't imagine the feeling. Instead of going to the colonies, she became a prostitute. In some ways this surprises me considering it isn't fully rebelling but an alternative form of hiding. I also am not surprised because she has always been a wild card.
Later the commander and I went to a hotel room. I asked to use the bathroom, and when I came back out he seemed disappointed laying there bare skinned as if he expected more desirable actions coming from me. In this moment I told myself in my head, "fake it till you make it."
I feel as though I should have been more excited to have sex with him in a traditional setting, without Serena there, just me and him, but I wasn't. It wasn't the same as I remember with Nick. It was easy to enjoy it, I was in love with him. That's the difference. The commander is wrong, I was "arranged" with him, we may not be married, but I was still assigned with him, yet our "relationship" when given the opportunity to grow, did not go as he intended. Isn't that proof?
You can't learn to love someone... That is one thing the Gilead will never be able to change, in anyone.
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